Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
