There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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