I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
