why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
