I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
