frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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