I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
