Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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