So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
