Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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