we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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