did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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