she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
