He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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