Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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