Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
