bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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