I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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