i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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