Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
