Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
