I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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