How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
