I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
