I wish my penis had an off switch
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
