ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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