Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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