I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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