Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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