and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
