I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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