Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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