Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
