Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
