Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
