I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
