onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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