Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
