I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
