i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
BRING THE BAGELS
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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