The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
