dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
