When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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