what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
