Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
