If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
