I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
