Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
