He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
wow bdsm is so cute
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
