White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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